1. Get engaged. Tell your parents and siblings. Say nothing on Facebook.
2. Wait a day before telling your one friend who can’t help herself from posting something coy on your wall like, “I’m so happy for you two! :)”
3. Wait a day or two before liking your friend’s comment. Do not respond to the comment beyond a knowing ” “. This will allow the people you haven’t talked to since high school and other random FB acquaintances to start speculating, “Huh, I wonder if she got engaged…” before they go back to hate-stalking other people from high school.
4. Post pictures of you and your new fiance on the beach/hot air balloon/Eiffel Tower right before the proposal but withhold the money shot of him down on one knee. This will really get tongues wagging – “Huh, I guess she did get engaged… her fiance looks like a doofus.”
5. Allow three more “in-the-know” congratulatory posts from friends before making the official announcement. Make sure to use language that makes you sound like the PR rep for Will & Kate.
“It is with great joy that <<tag your fiance here which is awkwardly formal because it will display his first and last name>> and I announce that we are getting married! Thank you so much for you kind wishes, WE <<you are officially a “we” now>> are so excited to share this special, beautiful, MAGICAL time with all of you! <<only 4% of the people reading this will actually be invited to the wedding>> I can’t wait to become Mrs. <<your fiance’s last name here>>! <3″
6. Sit back and let the likes and comments roll in. Feel free to change your profile picture to the one of him down on one knee now.
7. After the 75th comment from a distant relative on your announcement status, comment, “Oh my gosh! Thank you all so much!! This is still so surreal!! We can’t wait to see all of you on the dancefloor!! :)”
8. Immediately start pinning photos of Amish barns, wacky photobooth ideas, candy tables, too-cute handmade centerpieces (that someone else from Etsy can handmake for you), and to-do lists with names like, “THE ULTIMATE WEDDING SURVIVAL GUIDE EVERY BRIDE NEEDS!” Make sure your Pinterest account is linked to Facebook so these pins show up in your feed.
9. When Instagramming pictures of food, make sure to include the caption, “Wedding diet starts tomorrow ;)”
10. Just when all the hoopla about your engagement starts to die down (i.e., the day after you announce it on Facebook) get those engagement pictures taken! Choose between the one where he’s giving you a piggyback in a pumpkin patch and the “low-key” one of you guys just being “you” in the backyard with your black lab for your new Facebook picture.